Quote: A Christmas Story 12/25/04

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[Mr. Parker reads a side of the box with the prize that he won]
Mr. Parker: Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian.
Mrs. Parker: Uh, I think that says FRAGILE, dear.
Mr. Parker: Oh, yeah.

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[Admiring his "major award"]
Mr. Parker: It's... it's... it's indescribably beautiful! It reminds me of the Fourth of July!

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Ralphie as Adult: Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.

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Mr. Parker: Where's the glue?
Mrs. Parker: We're out of glue.
Mr. Parker: You used up all the glue on purpose!

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Mr. Parker: [after Mother "accidentally" breaks the Old Man's leg lamp] Why did you touch that? You were always jealous of this lamp.
Mrs. Parker: Jealous of a plastic...
Mr. Parker: Jealous! Jealous because I WON.
Mrs. Parker: That's ridiculous. Jealous. Jealous of WHAT? That is... The ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire LIFE!
Ralphie as Adult: Now it was out.

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Ralphie as Adult: The old man stood there, quivering with fury, stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher. All he got out was...
The Old Man: Notafinga!

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Ralphie as Adult: My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium, a master.

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Mr. Parker: Dadgummit! Blow out!
[on the highway, the car has gotten a flat tire]
Mr. Parker: Ah ha!
[Excitedly gets out of the car]
Mrs. Parker: Not again.
Mr. Parker: Four minutes. Time me.
Ralphie as Adult: Actually the Old Man loved it. He had always pictured himself in the pits of the Indianapolis speedway in the 500. My old man's spare tires were only actually tires in the academic sense. They were round and had once been made of rubber.

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Man in Line for Santa: Young man. Hey, kid! Just where do you think you're going?
Ralphie: Going up to see Santa.
Man in Line for Santa: [scoffs] The line ENDS here. It begins THERE.
[Points to the very end of a very long line]

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[Ralphie is seeing Santa, only he can't remember what he wanted]
Santa Claus: How about a nice football?
Ralphie as Adult: Football? Football? What's a football? With unconscious will my voice squeaked out 'football'.
Santa Claus: Okay, get him out of here.
Ralphie as Adult: A football? Oh no, what was I doing? Wake up, Stupid! Wake up!
Ralphie: [Is shoved down the slide, but he stops himself and climbs back up] No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
Santa Claus: You'll shoot your eye out, kid.

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Ralphie: Oooh fuuudge!
Ralphie as Adult: Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!
Mr. Parker: What did you say?
Ralphie: Uh, um...
Mr. Parker: That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. Go on!
Ralphie as Adult: It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.

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Ralphie as Adult: Over the years I got to be quite a connossieur of soap. Though my personal preference was for Lux, I found that Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heavy, but with a touch of mellow smoothness. Life Buoy, on the other hand... YECCHH!

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Mrs. Parker: Randy? What's wrong? Whatcha cryin' for?
Randy: Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie!
Mrs. Parker: No he's not...
Randy: Yes he is!
Mrs. Parker: No, I promise, Daddy is not going to kill Ralphie!

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Ralphie as Adult: Aunt Clara had for years not only perpetually labored under the delusion that I was 4 years old, but also a girl

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Mr. Parker: He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.
Mrs. Parker: He does not!
Mr. Parker: He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare!

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[after cracking a secret code]
Ralphie: [Reading it] Be sure to drink your Ovaltine. Ovaltine? A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch!

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[overdressed for winter]
Randy: I can't put my arms down!
Mrs. Parker: Well... put your arms down when you get to school.

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Ralphie: Scut Farkus!
Ralphie as Adult: Scut Farkus! What a rotten name! There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! So, help me, God! Yellow eyes!

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Mr. Parker: [shouting] Don't anybody move! Hold it right there! The fuse is out.

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[in a Chinese restaurant]
Waiters: [singing] Deck the halls with boughs of horry, ra ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra.
Head Waiter: No, no, not 'ra ra ra ra', 'la la la la'! Try again.
Waiters: Deck the halls with boughs of horry, ra ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra.
Head Waiter: No, no! Sing something else.
Waiters: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sreigh!

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Schwartz: Hey, smart ass. I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to a flagpole in the winter, and he says that it'll freeze right to the pole, just like I told ya.
Flick: Ah, baloney. What would your old man know about anything like that?
Schwartz: He knows, because he once saw a guy stick his tongue to a railroad track on a bet, and the fire department had to come get the guy's tongue off the track, because he couldn't get it off. (Randy is trying to catch up).
Randy: C'mon, guys! Wait up! C'mon, guys! Wait up!

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Flick: Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb!
Schwartz: That's 'cause you know it'll stick!
Flick: You're full of it!
Schwartz: Oh yeah?
Flick: Yeah!
Schwartz: Well I double-DOG-dare ya!
Ralphie as Adult: NOW it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a "triple dare ya"? And then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.
Schwartz: I TRIPLE-dog-dare ya!
Ralphie as Adult: Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat!

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Ralphie as Adult: The heavenly aroma still hung in the house. But it was gone, all gone! No turkey! No turkey sandwiches! No turkey salad! No turkey gravy! Turkey Hash! Turkey A La King! Or gallons of turkey soup! Gone, ALL GONE!

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