hate is conflict leading to change destruction challenging sadness love is living in that change rebuilding encompassing rebirth you can not dwell in one without first living in the other because only then will you know one from the other
i wanted nothing more than to have her love me she wanted nothing more than to have me love her that's the way it's supposed to be... isn't it? who am i? define me... i exist to be... oh, i've forgotten that part again i'm trapped in here isolated from everything... ...everyone... and i won't let them in let you in... no, i can't let you in you would only bring me pain and that debate is always one-sided loneliness wrapped hidden by maturity the fake smile of logic false breathes of life all that glitters is not gold a hand reaches out my hand grasping for the edge before falling into the chasm fissures run deep like unhealed scares left here to remind me a cleft to my soul reminding me always of the monster you've become
i have an ear that's heard worse things than you
and while your story might be sad
but you'll be better for listening to the ending
my ears are full of the vile and filth of this world
they ring to the sour notes of the everyday blase
but your voice is sweet, in tune with me
so, tell me your horror stories, tell me your fear
tell me your everything, for it's all i want to hear
you can't comfort someone at the gates of hell
but i'll stand tall with you facing the fire that awaits- eol orginal
i need to get back to my roots... i haven't been living it up as best i could the past couple of months... and i need to get back to my adventurous side... the side that takes risks... the side that laughed, loved, took risks, etc. i need to skip work every once in a while... stop being too conservative... stop thinking that i have to have this job to actually be someone... i have to start flirting with girls again... damn my sisters for pumping my head full of how to be the perfect gentleman and then running off and getting with guys they tell me not be... i think they are just trying to set me up to be single the rest of my natural life... screw being down... screw routine... screw the scale... hell, i've practically thrown it away... i need to drink... i need more quality friends... friends that don't care about anything but a good pint, a good friend, and a good time... mates that go to bat for you... will hook you up with the chick at the bar because you did that for them the last week... i should be come a fucking hippie... meet some indie girl who doesn't wear a bra and drinks blue moon or some shit like that... she wouldn't be afraid to go swimming in the deepend of my mind... i need the friends who caravan in their pickup trucks because they don't want to ride with each other... because their vehicle is the shit... i need the friends that know more about the latest gadget or gizmo than i... the friends that think i'm funny when we are not drunk (as hard as it is to actually find someone like that)... i need a woman that is overtly intellegent on the outside... can fit in with the crowd... knows when to hang on my arm and when to mingle... one that flirts like hell, but at the end of the day is mine alone... i need a woman who is promiscuous with me... who likes to get it on as much as go out... i need friends who can relate to my job, but isn't all about shoptalk... i need to have a party on my birthday... i want it to be some huge fucking surprise... a keg of shiner bock... a girl on each arm... fuck focusing on losing weight... i'm the fucking shit right here... i got it going on... i'm cute... i'm smart... i can please you better than any other man, baby... i need to quit this shyness... i didn't have it a few years back and i shouldn't have it now... if i make the wrong impression on the first time... fuck it! there's more out there... so what if she seems to be the most perfect thing to come along since sliced bread... so what if she's the most beautiful woman in the world... fuck staying quiet when i think she is totally interesting... fuck being the wing man... i am not what i eat! screw following the rules... screw following the leader... bitch, i am the leader and you best be following me because i take you all to the party... because i am the party! damn, i'm going to go buy a bottle of patchouli oil, head down to five point get that indie girl... i'm sick of chasing dreams... i'm sick of living lies... i'm sick of shallow people... and shallowness... i'm sick of people who should be regulars on a crappy-assed mtv show... i'm sick of pefection that seems to be demanded... i want some flaws... i want some rawness... i want something real... screw wanting it... i need it... i crave it... like a vampire craves blood... i've got to get back to where i belong... a place that seemed to be ripped from my mind like a page being torn carelessly from a textbook... i've got to get back what's been stolen... what they all took away from me... or did i give it all away... because that's just who i am? am i too fucking nice? do i not have the balls to be mean? of course i do... i can... i do... but what does it get me? nothing... but what does being nice get me... nothing... so what's the compromise? what's the third option? how do i get back what he stole? what she stole? and is that part of me lost forever? how do i get over betrayal? must i walk back through hell to get back to the cloud i once was on? i've got to get back to where i belong... i've got to get back on that path... i need to stop taking the path of 'fuck you...' i need to stop doing things that say i'm better than you... because that 'you' isn't watching now... they can't... they are a decade in my past... they are just a memory... one which i don't want to relive... one which doesn't deserve to have any part in shaping my future any more... one which betrays you... like a bug is betrayed by the blue light as it falls lifeless to the ground... i've got to get my head on straight... i've got to decide just what the fuck i'm looking for... i've got to some how put it into words... i should no longer just know it when i see it... i need to leave my past behind me... but still be able to take it with me... i've got to get past yet another birthday reminding me that i'm a year older... i've got to realize that i'm doing well for someone my age... i'm in fucking atlanta... in a year's time, i can be anywhere... make twice as much... and finally, maybe think about settling down... all this repressed lvinging... like a damn burst... bursting... flooding the valley... i tried to climb about it... but i just went for it all... how much more do i need to prove? how much more is necessary before i realize they realize or just don't care? how do i stop my mind being at war with itself? how do stop my morality from interfering with my fun? and my fun from damaging my morality? is there a god? why can't i do it all over again? fuck all the rules this time now that i realize i make them... i choose my destiny... i decide my fate... kismet is just a street in cape coral... and we all know that cape coral is fucking hell on earth... scum cover the earth if only if covers that godforsaken place... how many minutes is it away from fort myers again? i didn't break out of the prison... you threw me out... why do i always meet the right people after it's too late? am i not just looking? am i still too shy? i'm the fucking shit... can't i live the music? can't i feel that feeling that they are singing about? i want to feel again... i want to feel anything... because all the pain has numbed me... and i just can't stand it any more... i'm taking that road now... i'm getting back to where i'm supposed to be... some call it home... some call it love... some calling it happines... i'm getting back to me... if only... if only... i can get back to where i once belonged...
to help cut down on the number of posts (as if there's a post shortage or something), i'm just going to add to this all weekend... just random thoughts... quotes... etc... it probably would be best if you just check this monday...
"it's all stimulation, i like pleasure running through my brain... i'm just looking for the headrush, baby..."
in days of old when knights were bold and toilets weren't invented... they dropped their load upon the road and walked away contented...
"royal canadian mounted police. i first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my father, and for reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture i've remained, attached as liaison with the canadian consulate."
"not the better half"
red top mountain is aptly named... although in some spots it is more orange than red, but beggers can't be chooser... i think by the end of the summer i will have been on every inch of those hiking trails... that and i will actually be able to run them...
"Siden jeg gik fra dig, Føles livet lang og hård, Men jeg tror jeg kommer mig, for tidlig jeg så.Jeg ved ikke hvor, Ved ikke hvordan, Men jeg håber kun at du en dag, Vil være hos mig igen. Nej, Jeg ved ikke hvor, Ved ikke hvordan,Men jeg håber kun at du en dag, Vil være hos mig igen."
"it's easy to find something worth dying for. do you have anything worth living for?"
i kid you not when i say that in the paper this morning i saw how martha crotchfelt and mark soft will be getting married... 'uh, yes... i'm here for the crotchfelt-soft wedding... that's right the crotchfelt-soft wedding.' man alive!
the more i think about it the more it pisses me off, but if i don't think about it now, when it comes up a wave of pure hatred will just be unleashed from within me... this is why i don't let a lot of people in... it prevents all this thinking...
"i beat my machine it's a part of me it's inside of me... i'm stuck in this dream it's changing me i am becoming... the me that you know had some second thoughts, he's covered with scabs and he is broken and sore... the me that you know doesn't come around much... that part of me isn't here anymore... all pain disappears it's the nature of my circuitry... drowns out all I hear there's no escape from this my new consciousness... that me that you know used to have feelings... but the blood has stopped pumping and he's left to decay... the me that you know is now made up of wires and even when i'm right with you I'm so far away... i can try to get away but ive strapped myself in... i can try to scratch away the sound in my ears... i can see it killing away all my bad parts... i don't want to listen but it's all too clear... hiding backwards inside of me i feel so unafraid... annie, hold a little tighter i might just slip away... it won't give up it wants me dead... goddamn this noise inside my head..."
mr. o'neill: i figured you're be dealing with it. you probably think about the dark side all the time.
daria: the dark side? are we talking about "the force"?
mr. o'neill: yes, i'm sure you're dealing with it... i'm not dealing with it! (starts to cry)
daria: (awkwardly) there. there.
"with your feet on the air and your head on the ground... try this trick and spin it, yeah... tour head'll collapse if there's nothing in it and then you'll ask yourself... where is my mind?"
"our home forever is, outer space... black stars and endless seas, outer space... you hold your destinies, outer space... forever we'll be in outer space, outer space..."
tom tucker: in local news we have more on the approach of hurricane rupaul.. which is working his or her way up the coast, lets go live to ollie williams with the blacky weather report , ollie?
ollie williams: it's raining sideways!
tom tucker: sounds rough ollie, you have an umbrella?
ollie williams: had one!
tom tucker: where is it?
ollie williams: inside out , 2 miles away!
tom tucker: is there anything we can do for you?
ollie williams: bring me some soup...
tom tucker: what kind?
ollie williams: chunky!!!
i went bowling last night with a couple of friends... i bowled the best i ever had... broke 100 three out of the five games... not bad for not playing in a while... not bad for playing completely drunk... man, my hand really hurts today...
"I cant forget you, but i remember... turn my head... turn my head... its aimed at you..."
"tony robbins hungry!"
i don't care what anyone else thinks, i like tatu... and not just because they are very hot pixie and red head lesbians... although, that doesn't hurt...
jo: hey, mrs. garrett, can i ask you something?
mrs. garrett: what is it, jo?
jo: is it a problem if your penis and your vagina touch each other?
mrs. garrett: whaaaaat?
jo: well, i try to keep them separated, but i woke up this morning and they were sort of...together. i just didn't know...is that okay?
mrs. garrett: you have both?
jo: well, yeah. doesn't everybody?
mrs. garrett: nooooooooo!
we're talking away i don't know what, what to say... i'll say it anyway today's another day to find you shying away... i'll be coming for your love, ok? take on me, take me on i'll be gone in a day or two so needless to say, i'm odds and ends, but that's me stumbling away slowly learning that life is ok say after me, it's no better to be safe than sorry take on me, take me on i'll be gone in a day or two oh the things that you say is it live or just to play my worries away you're all the things i've got to remember you're shying away i'll be coming for you anyway take on me, take me on i'll be gone in a day or two
well, if nice guys finish last... baby... i'm training for that marathon... and when that race is run... i'll meet you at the finish line... because i'll be leaving you and everyone else behind...
sometimes when i click on some girl's picture to go see all their pictures, i accidently click on their breasts and feel dirty because i've felt them up in cyber space... the guilt is just too much...
"its just as easy to rip a piece off... ill write all your lies off... and i dont really care what you wear on your sleeve... did you really think... (that you had hidden the pillow)... that covered the weapon... (the knife that cut?)... im still in hiding... (and youre still kidding yourself.)"
i notice that every saturday on my way to work that v-98 plays that elton john/kiki dee duet, 'don't go breaking my heart.' it's always on at the same time... not to say it's a bad thing... just that it seems like it's my opening theme song to the saturday episode of my sitcom
"didnt want to lose you once again... didnt want to be your friend... fulfill a promise made of tears... and crawled back to you... now i'm all by myself... as i've always felt... and i'll betray myself... to anyone, anyone but you"
"what's wrong with you? what you screamin' for? every 5 minutes there's somethin', a bomb or somethin'. i'm leavin'. bzzzz."
"the waiting drove me mad... you're finally here and i'm a mess. i take your entrance back - Can't let you roam inside my head. i don't want to take what you can give i would rather starve than eat your bread. i would rather run but I can't walk guess i'll lie alone just like before."
sometimes i feel like i'm being stalked by the daleks, but then i realize, i just don't have the hearts to be a timelord...
"well my friend sweet jay took me to that video arcade in town, right, and they don't speak english there, so jay got into a fight and he's all, "hey quit hasslin' me cuz' i don't speak french" or whatever! and then the guy said something in paris talk, and i'm like, "just back off!" and they're all, "get out!" and we're like, "make me!" it was cool."
"there's a tear in the fabric of your favorite dress... and i'm sneaking glances... looking for the patterns in static... they start to make sense the longer i'm at it"
"yeah, well it's no toyota rav 4"
"i am grey. i stand between the candle and the star. we are grey. we stand between the darkness and the light."
my top eight is completely random... doesn't mean anything... and is not an indication of your social standing with me... for that you would need to see my cell phone to see if you have a special icon and are part of my vip list... but since i only let my roommate use my phone, that's not going to happen, buster...
"things could be so different now... it used to be so civilised... you will always wonder how... it could have been if you'd only lied... it's too late to change events... it's time to face the consequence... for delivering the proof... in the policy of truth... never again is what you swore... the time before... never again is what you swore... the time before"
"Understanding is a three-edged sword."
even the most disgusting water tastes much better when you are thirty... the worst tasting water is usually the water that you drink right after you've eaten something nasty... the best water is either in austin or a natural bridge caverns... either way, it's texas, baby!
"can we get kinky tonight? like coco, so-so you don't wanna play with my Yo-Yo i smoke my hydro on the dee-low... i can't stand the rain! (uh-huh, uh-huh)... against my window..."
"mankind, probably the most mysterious species on our planet. a mystery of open questions. Who are we? where do we come from? where are we going? how do we know what we believe to know? why do we believe anything at all? innumerable questions looking for an answer, an answer which will raise the next question and the following answer will raise a following question and so on and so forth. but in the end, isn't it always the same question and always the same answer?"
i'm not too much interested in loosing weight... no, that makes it sound like i need to file paper work to get it back... that i need to check the lost and found box for those pounds... put up posters in the neighborhood asking where my poor, little, precious weight has gone... no, i'm not loosing weight, i'm getting rid of it... and it ain't coming back... ever again... (besides, the folks at mcdonalds would call up and be like... 'you left it here, you can pick it up anytime... just drive to the next window, bitch!')
"i'd like to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it on a pike as a warning to the next ten generations that some favors come with too high a price. i want to look up into your lifeless eyes and wave like this. [waves]"
"why do you come here? and why do you hang around? i'm so sorry, i'm so sorry... why do you come here when you know it makes things hard for me? when you know, oh why do you come? why do you telephone ? and send me silly notes? i'm so sorry, i'm so sorry... why do you come here when you know it makes things hard for me? when you know, oh Why do you come? you had to sneak into my room 'just' to read my diary... it was just to see, just to see all the things you knew i'd written about you... oh, so many illustrations oh, but i'm so very sickened... oh, i am so sickened now... oh, it was a good lay, good lay... it was a good lay, good lay... it was a good lay, good lay... oh..."
"i got a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell."
i was watching this show about the string theory and was going, 'wow... i really get this...' i watched it again, but this time sober and thought, 'wow... i really get this...'
"sometimes i doubt your commitment to sparkle motion."
"you'd better hope and pray that you make it safe back to your own world... you'd better hope and pray that you wake one day in your own world... cause when you sleep at night they don't hear your cries in your own world... only time will tell if you can break the spell back in your own world..."
"now as i rest my feet by this fire those hands once warmed here, but i have retired them. i can breathe my own air and i can sleep more soundly Upon these poor souls, i'll build heaven and call it home."
"so brown eyes i hold you near, 'cause you're the only song i want to hear, a melody softly soaring through my atmosphere..."
"hey where did we go, days when the rain came. down in the hollow, playin' a new game.
laughin' and a runnin', hey hey, skippin' and a jumpin' in the misty mornin' fog with our hearts a thumpin' at you, the brown-eyed girl... you're my brown-eyed girl..."
the worst feeling in the world is to feel hungry when you have already eaten... especially when you are really full...
"life... mysterious life... we're moving around, dancing the rhythm of life... time... mysterious time... we're counting the hours and days to the end of all time... and we're feeling the change and we don't know why...choose one direction just one more time... don't say i'm thinking too much if you see what's behind... and these are mysterious times... mysterious times... no trick of the mind... for this moment i feel like we live in mysterious times... if you see what's behind, these are mysterious times..."
"feeling bad... not feeling worse... good."
when you leave someone, you might think you will only need an overnight bag or just a small suitcase, but sometimes you need a steamtrunk...
i don't get laguna beach... it's appeal... i mean, is it like crack for the eyes and brain? you watch it... it makes you feel really good that you aren't some vapid little blonde haired hussie who only cares about boys and looking good... beyotch puhlease... give the fucking history channel any day of the over crappy assed stuff they put on mtv now... remember when they used to play music... i do... i was watching then... remote control... hell yeah! the 'real world' san fran. was the last good show on there... well, except for that 'your mama' show... that's pretty damn funny... the rest is vapid... void of any reasonable substance... it's like drinking a diet caffine free coke... you might as well just drink water... because you aren't getting anything out of it... least bit taste... and don't get me started on vh1...
"heaven holds a sense of wonder and i wanted to believe that i'd get caught up when the rage in me subsides... in this white wave i am sinking in this silence... in this white wave in this silence i believe..."
my right hand hurts a lot from when i went bowling on friday night, not from masturbating too much... besides, you can never masturbate too much...
"do you ever question your life? do you ever wonder why? do you ever see in your dreams all the castles in the sky? oh tell me why do we build castles in the sky... oh tell me why all the castles way up high... please tell me why do we build castles in the sky... oh tell me why all the castles way up high..."
never watch wolf creek... no really... just don't do it... otherwise, i'm going to think that you are a sick sadomasocistic person... it's true... you probably are... i bet you want to watch it now... i bet you like to see people get cut up... you are part of the 'hostile' fan club i bet... damn, you are one sick motherfucker
"baby' got an atom bomb, a mother fuckin' atom bomb, twenty two maga tonne, i ain't ever seen so much fun, baby got a poison gas, baby got a heart attack, baby got a pain on tap, baby gimme some of that, baby got a satellite, baby got second sight, baby got a master plan, a foolproof masterplan, baby got purple hair, baby got a secret lair, baby got an army there, i ain't ever seen baby scared. baby got a nobel prize, given for the perfect crime, baby got an alibi, baby got eight more lives, baby got a crystal ball, baby doesn't care at all, baby's having too much fun, she's got a shit kickin' mother fuckin' atom bomb. baby got a fleet at sea, and a submarine called emergency, she got a motorcade, she got a monorail, going coat to coast on a campaign trail, playing deck of cards in an armoured car, she got a kung fu star as a body guard, she got a juju charm, she got a magic spell, she got a genie, all three is working well, she got a t.v. show, she got a shopping mall, she got a miracle, she doesn't want at all, she got a monument and at a great expense, she got a head of state and a president, she got destiny, she got supremacy, she got everything from a - z, she got it all down tight, she got nothing wrong, she got the whole wide world singing baby's song"
"one time, okay, see, one time randy beaman's mom had a dream that she ate a *big* marshmallow, and it was really good, and she-and when she woke up her pillow was gone, 'cause she ate it! 'kay, bye!"
i'm the one i've been here for you all along i'm the one who's shoulder you've been crying on nice guys finish last no one knows as good as me. we're just good friends and you come to me for sympathy you tell me that i'm not your type still you call me late at night, everytime he picks a fight after all he's said and all he's done i'm the one i've been here for you all along i'm the one who's shoulder you've been crying on"
last january when i was visiting atlanta, keith and i went up to ashville for the day... on the way, we passed through jahblowmee county... and passed through haywood county... and a few hours later ended up in asheville... on the way back we cross the haywood-jahblowmee county line... hand-to-god on this one... he also got a speeding ticket and we saw a par of balls hanging from the back of a pickup truck...
"he was a "rock and roll messiah," she was known for her childcare. the truth is gonna give up the world, if you can give up the stage..."
"i'm stressed but you're freestyle. i'm overworked but i'm undersexed. i must be made of concrete. i sign my name across your chest. give out the same old answers. i trot them out for the relatives. company tried and tested. i use the ones that i love the best. like an animal you're moving over me... like an animal you're moving over me. when did i get perverted. i can't remember your name. i'm growing introverted. you touch my hand and it's not the same. this was so unexpected. i never thought i'd get caught. play boomerang with your demons. shoot to kill and you'll pop them off. bang! bang! like an animal you're moving over me. like an animal you're moving over me. you should be sleeping my lover tell me what you're dreaming of... you should be sleeping my lover tell me what you're dreaming of... you should be sleeping my lover tell me what you're dreaming of... you should be sleeping my lover tell me what you're dreaming of... i knew you were mine for the taking... i knew you were mine for the taking... i knew you were mine for the taking... when i walked in the room... i knew you were mine for the taking... i knew you were mine for the taking... your eyes light up when i walk in the room... a hammering in my head don't stop from the bullet train from Tokyo to los angeles... i'm leaving you behind, a flash in the pan, a storm in a teacup, a needle in a haystack, a prize for the winning, a dead for the raising, a catch for the chasing, a jewel for the choosing, a man for the making in this blistering heat... sweat it all out... sweat it all out... with your bedroom eyes and your baby pouts... sweat it all out... in our electric storms and our shifting sands... our candy jars and our sticky hands... sweat it all out... sweat it all out... sweat it all out... sweat it all out... sweat it all out... sweat it all out... don't forget what I wrote you then... and don't forget what I told you then... and don't forget i that meant to win... and don't forget your ventolin... so a hammering in my head don't stop in the bullet train from tokyo to los angeles"
what's really sad is all the above phrases is a quick sample of some of the pop culture references that flood through my brain on a daily basis... scary i know... geting inside my brain even for an instant... 'let me out! let me out!'
i forgot how to be human
can we lose ourselves
in the trival nature of life
can a heart unguarded
be stolen so easily
do we barter our soul
for a seat at the table
how can i be one way
at work
at home
with friends
and family
and never be
who i really am
who i really am at all
if i'm never myself
do i really exist
am i merely a reflection
of what others want me to be?
if i discovered myself today
would i like what i see (would you)
how can i dream of one thing
at work
at home
with friends
and family
and never dream
what i really want
what i really want to dream
if everyone else here
was a reflection of what
i want them to be
of what i see them as
are they as much of a slave
to image as i am
will this bloom open up again
how can i see one thing
at work
at home
with friends
and family
and never see
what i really want
what i really want to see
it's more philosophy
than poetry of ages
for a man
that would rather
live in his mind
than in this world
for in my mind
i control the pain
i memorized the lyrics
wasn't enough to hum along
i needed to sing it
sing it loud...
sing it loud...
scream it loud...
how can i be one way
at work
at home
with friends
and family
and never be
who i really am
who i really am at all...
i guess i'll never really know the answers...
- eol orginal'don't want to spend the rest of my days singing yesterday's love songs' - cheer by the descendents
i came here to remind myself of you
wondering why i ever left in the first place
i drove that long secluded road we used to drive
finding myself 19 again with you by my side
your body wrapped around my arm
as we cruise to no where and leave it all behind
i stopped at that spot off rainbow road
the one where all the canals run past
where we found all those bullet shells
but found much more than that
or were we just looking for trouble
but i'll grow older and somehow leave it all behind
and you'll never know how much this means
me standing here remembering you
the playfulness of it all comes back to me
i get out to scout around the area we hiked
they've paved the roads and built houses
i've put those memories away and leave it all behind
i've known you most of my time here on earth
you can't change the past or further things today
some ships have sailed and ports often close
i found my way through the winding road
and back onto the interstate to head north
memories might fade, but you can't leave it all behind
-- eol orginal
i finally got those bills paid off
got rid of all that trash
paid my dues and heading up
rocketing towards the sky
looking back all i see are ants
don't want to disturb the nest
ants bites and the stink lives on
ants bites and it will drive you mad
left this world around an hour ago
it wasn't that bad of a trip
fancy all those stars shinning now
they seem closer than before
the sun once warm
now bright and hot
stars burn bright and light
stars burn bright and i don't care
i left that town on a quest
looking for something better
funny that i found just more the same
same people, same attitudes
same answeres, same situations
same little quirks about life
life just isn't the same since you left me
life just isn't the same since i left there
in a haze i felt her next to me
i was no longer here in bed
she was beside me weeping
i held her tightly in my arms
i told her i would always be there
i felt her heart beat... her beat...
her softness in my arms
my heart beating with hers
i took the knife and rinsed the blood from the sharp blade now with small knicks in it from when i hit the bone... for such a strong knife it didn't hold up to the pressure and force i put it under or was it the quickness i cut through the flesh... i was in such a hurry to get it done and over with... my last action was to wash the crimson spiltover from the knife onto my hands... as the blood ran down the drain, so did the last of the evidence as we had disposed of the bones earlier... after eating all the chicken meat from it...
- eol orginal
Recent Comments